Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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