Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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