I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
