I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
