So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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