Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I fill condoms, not promises.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
