Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
