I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
