My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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