So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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