Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
