I didn't shave. On purpose
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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