Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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