Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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