I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize