You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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