I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
