We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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