My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize