We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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