We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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