i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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