Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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