he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
