Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
