her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
