Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
