I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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