Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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