So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
