Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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