Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
