Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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