phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
