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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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