i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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