Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
