Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
