i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
