It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
