remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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