We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
