It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize