Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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