bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
