How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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