and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
