he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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