i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
