Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
