He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
