I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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