you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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