Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
